THE SO-SO ONE
There were 54 broadcast crews, 23 photographers and more than 60 print journalists for Big Phil Scolari's official unveiling today. And for 20 minutes there was absolutely nada for the members of the fourth estate to bite on, save for their two-hour-old sticks of chewing gum, which by now were speckled with pork-pie crumbs and carried the scent of clinical halitosis.
Scolari's English might have been stuttery, but his countenance was sunny and his comments media-training bland. Disappointingly, there were no outpourings of admiration for General Pinochet and his unique methods of improving illiteracy in Chile. No talk of new signings. No mulling over which of his two Oscars - French Connection and Unforgiven - was the more deserved. Nothing until someone asked the question.
"Jose Mourinho described himself as a special one when he was unveiled as Chelsea manager," said a squeeky-voiced hack. Do you consider yourself special?" "Yes," replied Scolari emphatically, to we've-got-a-backpage-lead backslaps. But then came an interesting twist. "I am special for my friends and for my family, no more. As a manager, so-so."
Scolari then set about dispelling that notion by attempting the impossible by trying to keep Didier Drogba, who he said was "200%" part of his plans. He insisted that Frank Lampard would reject a move to Inter - "I asked him if he wanted to stay at Chelsea ... he said he wants to stay here for many seasons." And he was positively gushing about Roman Abramovich, calling it "a fantastic relationship", adding: "I respect him and he respects me." Admittedly, he's only met his boss twice, but the Fiver's sure he'll be just as ebullient when Andriy Shevchenko is being given a surprise run in the first team.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Ashley-Paul Is Travling 2 Bath With Fulham Fingers Crossed. (Im lukin 2 Get Sum Tips Of Jimmy Bullard He's ON DIS TING NO HYPE LOL" - Crystal Palace youngster Ashley-Paul Robinson reveals his plan to join Fulham by updating his Facebook status for the entire London network to view, July 5.
"We feel it's probably better that he looks elsewhere to further his career" - Palace boss Neil Warnock, July 8.
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IT'LL ALWAYS BE EURO VASE TO US ... ALTHOUGH LITTLE CUP HAS A NICE RING TO IT
Having witnessed the tremendous success with which Prince, the Post Office® and British Airways tailfins - among other well-known purple rock-midgets, mail handling services and stabilisers constituting part of the vertical tail structure of airplanes - have been rebranded in the past, the Fiver has decided that it too needs a change of image. After all, if people are busy making fun of our desire to be known as the Footballiser®, it may deflect ridicule away from our real problems: a tired format and increasingly lame old gags.
With little to keep them amused since Euro 2008 ended, meddling suits at Uefa have decided to embark on a similar wheeze and are seriously considering rebranding Euro Vase as the Uefa Europa League. "The hope is that a refreshment of the name and brand can help achieve better results than we've seen in [Euro Vase] in the past," said acting chairman of the new European Clubs Association Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, shortly before asking journalists to refer to him from now on as the Portakabin Kid.
Now call the Footballiser® naive, but we were of the opinion that one of the few aspects of Euro Vase that didn't need to be tampered with was its name. After all, it's dogged by more pressing concerns, not least the fact that no matter how hard they try, teams as terrible as Bolton Wanderers find it nigh on impossible to get eliminated from the competition without playing at least 36 matches against other unfashionable teams from bleak European outposts that nobody has ever heard of.
Luckily, Uefa has already moved to solve that particular problem, and from 2009 onwards Euro Vase will have the exact same format as Big Cup, the stellar European competition whose first-round group stages generally couldn't be less interesting if they were a conversation about source codes for drivers between two tecchies in the lifts at Big Paper Towers.
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THE RUMOUR MILL
Andrei Arshavin's Mr 15% prefers sterling to Euros, and reckons only the Big Four have enough of the currency to keep him happy.
Real Madrid midfielder Ruben de la Red will soon have a shirt to match his name, if Arsène Wenger gets his way.
And Adrian Mutu could be trotting out for Roma next season, as well as Romania.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
How journalism works, part XXVIII: "With scoring opportunities he's more selfish than I am. Given the chance to shoot he always goes for it, unlike me - Alexander Hleb, 'speaking' in today's Mirror. Here's the full interview extract, from tut.by: "Cesc and I understand each other very well on the field. It is very, very pleasurable for me to play with him. He's a very pleasant guy both in life and as a footballer. He is just more egoistic in goalscoring opportunities, if he had a chance to score, he always used it, unlike me."
SFA suits are attempting to guilt-trip Scotland fans into footing the bill for a Hampden Park friendly against Argentina. "If we want to keep on improving, we have to continually test ourselves against top-class opposition," sobbed SFA top dog Gordon Smith, pulling out a violin and doing his best Nino Rota impersonation. "There is every likelihood that the [ticket] prices would be more than for our competitive matches."
Former Benfica president Joao Vale e Azevedo has been arrested in London and released on conditional bail in connection with a fraud investigation. An extradition hearing was adjourned until July 25.
Not to be outdone by their male contemporaries, eight players from China's Under-18 women's league have been suspended after a 40-woman brawl in a game between Beijing and Henan.
Premier League players Anderson, Lucas and Jo have been named in Brazil's Olympic squad, alongside overweig ... sorry, overage player Ronaldinho. The full squad looks like this: Diego Alves (Almería), Renan (Internacional), Marcelo (Real Madrid), Ilsinho (Shakhtar Donetsk), Rafinha (Schalke 04), Thiago Silva (Fluminense), Alex Silva (Sao Paulo), Breno (Bayern Munich), Lucas (Liverpool), Anderson (Man Utd), Hernanes (Sao Paulo), Ronaldinho (Barcelona), Salsa-Dancing, $exually Uninhibited Fiver (Fiver Towers), Diego (Werder Bremen), Thiago Neves (Fluminense), Robinho (Real Madrid), Alexandre Pato (AC Milan), Rafael Sobis (Real Betis), Jo (Man City).
And Padraig Conneely, the mayor of Galway, has called for the city's fans to show their support to Eircom League strugglers Galway Utd. "What is needed now is for the people to get behind the club and see it through this difficult period for all," he said.
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STILL WANT MORE?
How did Big Phil fare during his debut press conference in the face of 83 mindless questions from Sky's Nick Collins? John Ashdown has the answer.
Will Zenit St Petersburg be bothered about their pivotal playmaker making eyes at every other club in Europe? Not really, says Jonathan Wilson.
Without Carlos Queiroz to speak to the BBC for him, Daniel Taylor wonders if Sir Alex Ferguson will fall apart.
And in tomorrow's £0.80 Big Paper: the dawning of the age of Luiz Felipe Scolari, just what Sir Allen Stanford reckons he's getting out of his $20m Twenty20 series; and the lives of several people reviewed in Obituaries.
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FIVER LETTERS
"Judging by the cover of the latest edition of O'Rangers News, it looks like the club has taken the Fiver's consistent and not-at-all-tired name-change suggestion on board" - Robbie Gibbons.
"Do you think So-So-Sco will produce anything as entertaining at Chelsea as his new nickname?" - Alex Amponsah.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
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FINAL OFFER, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT
Source: guardian.co.uk
